Slithershanks: Mining the depths of tax outrage

Slithershanks was livid. Beside himself. Quite irritated, really. This Labor government, quite frankly, is not worth the paper it is printed on.

“This Labor government is not worth the paper it’s printed on,” he told Dolly Riseranks, who was almost certainly asleep at the time.

“Didn’t know it was printed on anything,” Doll replied, temporarily waking from her slumber. “I hope it has been properly reported to the relevant authorities. We don’t want any unauthorised use of scarce wood-based resources.”

“No, Doll, you are not paying attention,” Slithershanks replied, testily.

“Of course not. When did I ever pay any attention to anything you said? Does the sun come up in the morning? Is water wet? Is every word you say the mere expulsion of empty air to not known effect other than a slight disturbance of the atmosphere and the emitting of entirely meaningless sine waves?”

“No, this is serious, Doll. This federal government mining tax is an absolute disgrace.”

“Really? Why?”

“Well, first of all, they wanted to collect unseemly amounts of revenue from our hard-working mining corporates who dig stuff up and sell it in a most honest and sweaty and thoroughly decent way. It was completely unacceptable that so much money would be gouged out of the sector, taking away hard-earned profits and frightening off foreign investment.”

“OK.”

“And then, to make matters worse, they only collected $126 million.”

“Right.”

“Well, can’t you see? They levied this onerous tax on our mining sector, taking out billions in profits. Then they only took out $126 million. It’s an absolute outrage.”

“Look, Slither, I hate to extend this conversation in any way given that it will be several minutes that I will never get back, but which is it? Are you outraged that they have taken too much money from the miners? Or are you outraged that they did not take enough money from the miners?”

“Both. And neither. It’s appalling. This government has to go. Now! A waste of paper, I tell you. An absolute waste of paper.”

“Uh huh. Look, I might just go back to sleep now. But thank you for sharing that with me. I must say, it’s a good thing you are only online now, Slither.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because you aren’t worth the paper you are written on, either.”