Persuasion versus manipulation: Is your negotiation approach flawed?

Are you walking the line of being persuasive or manipulative?

In communication skills coach Michelle Bowden’s new book, How to Persuade: The skills you need to get what you want, Bowden explains how to be a better persuader, without entering into a manipulative communication tactic.

In this edited extract, Bowden explains how to recognise manipulation, and why it’s not the right tactic to employ.

What is manipulation?

Manipulation is the exercise of harmful influence. It’s a set of behaviours that derive from either a passive or an aggressive approach to influence. Some people even define manipulation as passive aggressive behaviour. You cannot be simultaneously persuasive and manipulative. People who manipulate others get what they want by assaulting their stakeholders’ mental and emotional needs. Sometimes even without realising it, the manipulator uses a variety of strategies to gain control of the other person.

This control is never for the good of the other person; it’s all about the manipulator exercising power.

Manipulation can happen in all types of relationships at work and at home, and even with people you don’t know. Manipulators use guilt, lies, comparisons, whingeing, blame and mind games to get what they want.

Let’s be clear: manipulation is not persuasion. It is a form of passive or aggressive influence, and it’s not recommended. It’s not what this book is about.

Persuasion versus manipulation

Here are the definitions of some different, but still related, words:

• Convince: To bring (by the use of argument or evidence) a firm belief or a course of action.

• Persuade: To induce to undertake a course of action or embrace a point of view by means of argument, reasoning or entreaty, and where there is a measure of freedom in the decision-making process of the stakeholder.

So convincing or persuading people is about everyone winning! No matter the persuasion scenario, you want everyone to feel like they are on the winning team and that they have freedom over their choices. The other person shouldn’t feel that they have been coerced into doing something they didn’t want to do.

From the point of view of the persuader, you shouldn’t need to do something underhanded in the heat of the moment that, in hindsight, has you feeling guilty or sorry for your behaviour, or something you are not proud of. You shouldn’t feel like a ‘pushy’ person.

No one feels good about themselves or can feel truly happy by making someone else unhappy. You want to be able to lie straight in your bed at night and feel good about the day’s communication events.

Top tip

A basic law of human nature is that no human feels good about themselves or can feel truly happy by making someone else unhappy.

Are you persuasive or just a common hustler?

When deciding whether you’re being persuasive or manipulative, it’s important to think about your focus or intent. If you’re solely focused  on achieving your own needs without any reference or care for your stakeholders’ needs, then your approach to influence may well be manipulative. 

When you’re convinced that you must change the other person’s  mind at any cost, you’ll often employ any means — including deceit or trickery — to get what you want. Whereas, if you are completely  focused on the needs and wants of your stakeholder, you will appreciate the need for your stakeholder to feel they have a measure of freedom in their decision-making process. You’re therefore unlikely to trick or deceive anyone. 

But who cares if you’re manipulative or not?

Your prospects or stakeholders care if you’re manipulative rather than persuasive. That’s why this is such an important question.

If your prospect or stakeholder feels they were lured, tricked or pressured into buying your product or service or approving your big idea, they will likely experience ‘buyer’s remorse’ once the deal is done — and you’ll have a very unhappy customer on your hands. You could have someone asking for their money back, or ‘spreading the word’ that you are not to be trusted on project teams or committees, and possibly damaging your reputation. 

Check yourself

The point here is that you can check yourself. Be sure to get into your stakeholder’s or prospect’s shoes prior to your persuasive moment. Ask yourself some questions so you’re sure you are approaching this scenario in the most effective way. 

To be sure you’re in your stakeholder’s shoes, ask yourself the following: 

1. What are they thinking, feeling and doing prior to the conversation? 
2. What’s important to them? 
3. What are they hoping to achieve from this discussion? 
4. How do they want to feel when we are finished?  
5. What’s in their best interest here?  
6. What’s a win–win for us both?  

You can then use similar questions to check yourself throughout the  persuasion scenario and make sure you haven’t crossed the boundary from persuasion into hustling, so that you’re still on safe ground.   

It’s not just semantics. Making sure everyone wins is important.  

Reflect on your influence approach. Are you passive, assertive or aggressive in your daily dealings?  

 What do you need to fix or change so you are trusted, impressive and inspiring, and so you achieve success in all your communication moments?  

This is an edited extract from How to Persuade: The skills you need to get what you want by Michelle Bowden, available now on Booktopia.