Those Sydney-siders keep stroking me. Help!

Dear Aunty B,

I know you are from Melbourne and you are completely going to take my side in this matter.

Whenever I meet Sydney-siders they spend half their time touching me. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t done in any “come hither” sort of way (although I did wonder at first and told another Melbournian about it, who confirmed that all Sydney people did it and it means nothing), but it spooks me out.

I might have met them for the first time and they will lean in and rub their hand up and down my arm about three times. It’s like some secret Sydney mates club handshake!

What happens to me is this. As they lean in I know what’s coming and despite myself I lean back a bit and I am sure I look a bit startled. Then they start to stroke and I try to make myself stay still and not flinch. But they have already seen the panicked look in my eye, which makes them unsure.

The thing is Aunty, they then do it again! So here we are having some great business discussion and all the time there is this sub context thing going on with me thinking, when are they going to stroke me again?

God knows what they are thinking on their part. (Sydney people what are you thinking when you stroke my arm?)

It gets worse at cocktail functions where Sydney people are likely to drape their arm around your waist like you are in girl’s school and whisper in your ear!

What do you think Aunty?

How do I handle those touchy feely Sydney folk?

Melbourne (obviously)

Dear Obviously Melbourne,

Oh, I do so know what you are talking about. They are a friendly lot, those folk from Sydney.

When I first began doing business in Sydney I spent weeks feeling disconcerted and yes, I will admit it, slightly chuffed. It appeared I had an extraordinary amount of admirers of both genders and all ages. But like you, I soon twigged: stroking perfect strangers is as Sydney as burnt milk and the Harbour Bridge.

Then I got smart: I think the Sydney stroke is a ploy to throw us anal Melbournians into a state of pleasant, sensual confusion so they can get their way in a business deal. Instead of a brisk handshake with the right amount of pressure leading to firm eye contact and a straightforward conversation about who gets what, which is the Melbourne way, you are involved in an internal conversation with yourself while the Sydney-sider decides when and where to touch you at random moments.

Here is what you should do. Always let a Sydney-sider sit down first. Then position yourself as far from them as possible and definitely a good arm’s lengths away. Sometimes they may then move chairs to get closer to you, in which case you ask to use the bathroom and on return, resume the far away, out of contact, you can’t stroke me position.

I have to warn you that they may try out of sheer frustration to hang onto your hand too long and stroke you when it comes time to leave. But by then the deal is done and you should feel pleased with the outcome and more relaxed: so relaxed in fact that you might give them an awkward Melbourne farewell pat.

Be smart,
Your Aunty B

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