Funnybone: The worst way to reinvent your business

Our new, wickedly off-colour humour column features the views of the world’s worst manager, Slithershanks. Enjoy.

Slithershanks furrowed his brow and actualised his intellectual capability uploads. It was heavy work. A disinterested observer might have concluded that he looked like a fairy penguin trying to lay the egg of a giant whale shark while trying to reinvent Einstein’s Theory of Relativity as a recipe for avocado soup.

Of course, that disinterested observer would almost certainly have consumed large amounts of illicit substances and would also be wondering why the ceiling looked like an especially delicious spaghetti bolognaise with just the right amount of parmesan cheese. But that is a story for another day.

“Dol, in this complex world of multiple possibilities and matrixes that requires us to redesign the organisation’s structures, goals, performance measures and incentives, it is very important to get people to solve problems without you,” said Slithershanks, looking about as convincing as an Australian rail timetable.

“So how do you propose to do that when you haven’t solved a problem since you thought nappies were for kite-flying?” responded Dolly Riseranks, not at all interested to hear the answer.

“Well, I was thinking that theft is a pretty effective technique.”

“At least you can be sure that you won’t be paid back in kind.”

“Why’s that?”

“Who would want to steal any of your ideas? You’re on extremely safe ground there.”

“Very funny, Dol. Anyway, I have outlined six principles for this great new era of co-operation. Not only that; I have it in dot-point form with snappy little headlines. It goes like this:

–          Improve the understanding of what co-workers do. (Then dock their pay)

–          Reinforce the people who are integrators. (After that, find out what an integrator is)

–          Expand the amount of power available. (Then be sure to take it all for yourself)

–          Increase the need for reciprocity. (Then make sure it is an unmet need. After all, you don’t want people getting the idea that they feel valued)

–          Make employees feel the shadow of the future. (Leave them in the dark, in other words)

–          Put the blame on the unco-operative. (And then, put the blame on everyone else – excluding yourself, of course).        

So what do you think?”

“Almost as good as a nappy that doubles as a kite, Slither.”