How to prevent Cup fever wiping out your workforce

You read it here first: An equine-related epidemic is going to sweep the nation next week.

With an epicentre located somewhere near Melbourne’s Flemington Racecourse, this equine fever is expected to strike first in Victoria on Monday morning. Employees across the state will take a four-day long weekend while battling the symptoms of Severus Fakenitis.

By Tuesday next week, the outbreak is expected to spread across the nation. An expert in these matters, Dr How Long, expects many hours of taxpayer-funded bulk-billed consulting time being spent investigating miraculously cured coughs and other known symptoms. Trucks at the Bic pen company are on standby with stationary for all the medical certificates that will be written out.

Employers across the country are warned to be on stand-by for a deluge of really awful impersonations of sick people from their employees. Employees will feel reassured hearing the phrase “you sound really awful” from their boss on the phone, not realising that their boss actually means “I’ve heard seven ‘sick’ people this morning and you sound really awful at impersonating someone with the flu”.

Sufferers of this equine fever are expected to gather en mass at barbecues, sports bars and racetracks across the nation to try to rid themselves of this ailment by excessively consuming ales. This will lead to the final symptom of the outbreak, a mind-numbing headache on Wednesday morning, accompanied by the solemn phrase “I’ll never drink again”.

The good news is that Dr. Taskmaster has the cure for the cold that stops a nation. First, any staff planning to catch the flu next week have been told to notify either their team leader or myself so that contingencies can be worked out. Any employees who miraculously avoid this contagion will be granted an extra day off on their next pay slip.

Secondly, an office cup sweep has been arranged and staff are welcome to down tools and gather around the replacement Old Reliable to watch the race. Finally, a barbecue lunch has been organised at the local park for all staff who choose to show up for work instead of horsing around at home.

My prescription for your business is to do the same.

Get it done – today!